Give yourself the gift of peace: convert to Islam

Want peace? Islam--the religion of peace, guarantees it. After deciding to follow the religion of peace, your first question is which branch to join.

Perhaps most importantly, your new religion should not upset fellow Muslims. Peace-seekers everywhere are advised to not make the mistake of choosing a heretical sect of Islam; some of your peaceful co-religionists might take it badly:

[...] To the east, in a village on Lombok, about 2,000 people attacked a compound housing 31 families of followers of Ahmadiyah, an Islamic sect with origins in India. Police sent to protect the families were far outnumbered and helpless to stop the attackers from burning the houses. Fortunately, there were no deaths and all of the families were safely evacuated. Still, the ugly attack had the tacit approval of the local administration and Muslim ulema. [...]

Also, you may have heard of something called the Sunni-Shi'a split. Your choice here is also critically important if peaceful co-existance--not to mention staying alive--is your goal.

One over riding factor should inform your decision of which sect you choose: where you live. If you live in Iran or Iraq, then Shi'a is probably your best bet. Most other nations either follow the Sunni strain of Islam, or are mixed. Remember, your co-religionists will support you to the extent they don't have to live near your heretical self. Plumping for Sunni-ism is highly recommended in Saudi Arabia, where it remains a crime to belong to the Shi'a sect.

Having selected your branch of Islam, here is a tip for bonding with fellow followers of the religion of peace: express frequent anger at the West, especially the Jew-controlled WASPs (or is that the WASP-controlled Jews? No matter, both are infidel) in the US. Denouncing Zionism and calling for the destruction of Israel remain sure-fire conversation starters.

Keep as your goal the eventual "voluntary" conversion of the world to your sect's beliefs. To this end demand Sharia law be enacted to protect your rights. Especially useful in the decadent West is the tactic of invoking the holy (meant in a purely secular way; please, issue no fatwas) Leftist goal of multi-culturism. If you live in a German speaking nation, demand that the tradition of giving "lucky pigs" as Christmas gifts cease.

Unexpected bonus: Islam supports marriage, so feel free to take up to four brides. You may beat the disobediant ones, knowing yourself to be a righteous follower of Muhammed (peace be upon him).

Above all, remember that apostasy is punishable by death under all four main Islamic schools of jurisprudence. So, once a Muslim, always a Muslim.

In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful: welcome to the religion of peace.

P.S. Remember to keep your knife sharp:

And fight in the cause of Allah with those who fight with you [...]. And kill them wherever you find them, and drive them out from where they drove you out [...] but if they do fight you, then slay them; such is the reward of the unbelievers. (Koran 2:190-192)